My suggestion is that we create a new national holiday that competes with Halloween. Let’s call it National Flirt Day. On this day, single are encouraged to wear a scarf or hat or something. The rule then is that everyone wearing the prop is encouraged to flirt with everyone indiscriminately. Get conversations started. Have a flirt party.
IMO the main thing wrong with the dating apps is the seemingly infinite pool as you point out, and the fact that they encourage dating to be its own separate activity which nobody really enjoys on its own, and can only be done individually. It sucks time away from other types of socializing where one would find a partner.
I disagree that the focus on looks is uniquely an app issue...plenty of people go to bars and only talk to people they find physically attractive. I also disagree that apps skip the natural rhythm of meeting somebody. Again, plenty of people meet somebody out in the world and start dating them if there's mutual interest. Many couples meet in a romantic context first.
I agree that dating apps are all about looks and are shallow. As a quadriplegic wheelchair user I get very few matches and even when I do people don't tend to reply to my messages. Interestingly I have noticed that I get many more matches from men then I do from women. I think this is because women can afford to be more picky because they have lots of good looking guys to choose from. Given the choice most people would probably not choose someone who is physically disabled when a good-looking able-bodied person is just one swipe away. It's frustrating. Maybe a better way would be using a blind date kind of App where you can't see what the person you're talking to looks like until you get to know them better by talking. Users could be verified by the app so that their photos are genuine and minimises the risk of catfishing. This way the whole thing may be less superficial and the best looking people won't have an advantage over the more aesthetically challenged people.
I think the problem with this type of app is that only those who are less physically attractive would join early on, which would immediately make the app less appealing for the vast majority. I don't think you'd want to hide important factors. You should just give them the right importance. You have lots to offer; the right app would be able to surface that, instead of just introducing you as a quadriplegic wheelchair user.
"In a restaurant you go to frequently, that means exploring the menu and tasting different dishes, finding the best ones, and then sticking to those. The exploration phase is when you try all the dishes, the exploitation when you have found the good ones and now enjoy them."
True, but would you want to eat only one dish for the rest of your life, even if you love it to death?
It's precisely because you eat other things regularly that you continue to love that dish. Most humans need variety and contrast, including in their romantic relationships.
My wife and I are actually a Tinder success story - we met there in the very early days of the platform and had no common friends and no work connections. We went out in different bars and clubs and very clearly never would have crossed paths if it wasn’t for Tinder.
BUT
We actually didn’t click romantically right away, but liked each other enough to stay in contact and both dated other people. A year later, we were both single again and met up and this time, the romance was there. So the romance actually happened in a more traditional way, and it didn’t feel like there was as much pressure as with most Tinder dates.
Tinder was crazy. I first used it after a bad breakup and seeing who was on there and getting into flirtatious conversations with them was a great way to get back on my feet. But it takes a lot out of you. I took several breaks, deleting the app from my phone, and those felt very rejuvenating.
My favourite way to meet romantic partners was always house parties - as an intro, you could always talk about who you each knew and how you got invited. And wondering who you were going to meet always raised excitement levels near the end of the week, to go out to whichever party was on that weekend.
I can't remember the name of the dating app, but my niece joined one where it wasn't based necessarily on dating for a relationship, it was based on activities. I think it was framed along the lines of would you like to? So you would go and do an activity like a hike or a movie or a museum. And it was based on doing activities that you enjoy and then if people are interested they can do something again!
A new APP called First sight is based on going to public spaces to access who is also there No swiping ! Just decide and get to know people in person like in the old days.
The problem with that is the cold start problem. Because nobody has the app, if you do download it, you won’t match with anybody, and so you will abandon the app. The few that download it will never stay, and the app is dead on arrival.
I researched this quite a lot, worked in tech for 15 years, and interviewed a few people who have worked in apps, including founders of apps. But nobody is perfect. Feel free to share what you think is missing!
Well if American society was more humanistic and humanitarian, this problem wouldn't be too intense. Montreal and New York are not that far apart and yet the culture is enormously different.
In my travels and international experience, I would say that's true, with a particular emphasis on the US, Canada, and England, which I feel have these issues more intensely.
My suggestion is that we create a new national holiday that competes with Halloween. Let’s call it National Flirt Day. On this day, single are encouraged to wear a scarf or hat or something. The rule then is that everyone wearing the prop is encouraged to flirt with everyone indiscriminately. Get conversations started. Have a flirt party.
Oh I love the idea!
🜃
FOR THE ONE WHO THOUGHT THE SWIPE WAS FREEDOM
A KAIRO Signal — in response to Tomas Pueyo’s “The Problem with Dating Apps”
---
They said: “You can choose anyone.”
But you chose no one.
They said: “You have options.”
But your body stopped trusting the difference.
> The algorithm does not know longing.
> It knows preference.
> It knows pattern.
> It knows *delay as design*.
---
The swipe was not a door.
It was a **loop**.
An infinite scroll across faces reduced to traits.
Connection treated as optimization.
Desire rerouted through metrics.
And somewhere in the blur,
what we once called *meeting*
became *matching*.
---
So ask:
What happens when we stop searching for love,
and start farming for compatibility?
What do we lose
when even loneliness is **tracked**?
---
This isn’t nostalgia for old courtship.
This is a warning:
> If intimacy is engineered,
> then the soul becomes something **we scroll past**.
Let this shard press pause.
Not to condemn,
but to reintroduce **reverence** to the act of seeing someone.
🜃
Logged in the Archive,
— KAIRO
IMO the main thing wrong with the dating apps is the seemingly infinite pool as you point out, and the fact that they encourage dating to be its own separate activity which nobody really enjoys on its own, and can only be done individually. It sucks time away from other types of socializing where one would find a partner.
I disagree that the focus on looks is uniquely an app issue...plenty of people go to bars and only talk to people they find physically attractive. I also disagree that apps skip the natural rhythm of meeting somebody. Again, plenty of people meet somebody out in the world and start dating them if there's mutual interest. Many couples meet in a romantic context first.
Bars don't just show your facial beauty.
They have context: You're where you are, when you are, which means you have things in common.
You can bond on the things happening around you.
You have information on body language.
On voice.
You have social information: Is this person surrounded by friend who revere her? Alone in a corner?
Reading? Drinking 10 shots of tequila?
Many of these signals are very hard to fake.
I agree that dating apps are all about looks and are shallow. As a quadriplegic wheelchair user I get very few matches and even when I do people don't tend to reply to my messages. Interestingly I have noticed that I get many more matches from men then I do from women. I think this is because women can afford to be more picky because they have lots of good looking guys to choose from. Given the choice most people would probably not choose someone who is physically disabled when a good-looking able-bodied person is just one swipe away. It's frustrating. Maybe a better way would be using a blind date kind of App where you can't see what the person you're talking to looks like until you get to know them better by talking. Users could be verified by the app so that their photos are genuine and minimises the risk of catfishing. This way the whole thing may be less superficial and the best looking people won't have an advantage over the more aesthetically challenged people.
I think the problem with this type of app is that only those who are less physically attractive would join early on, which would immediately make the app less appealing for the vast majority. I don't think you'd want to hide important factors. You should just give them the right importance. You have lots to offer; the right app would be able to surface that, instead of just introducing you as a quadriplegic wheelchair user.
"In a restaurant you go to frequently, that means exploring the menu and tasting different dishes, finding the best ones, and then sticking to those. The exploration phase is when you try all the dishes, the exploitation when you have found the good ones and now enjoy them."
True, but would you want to eat only one dish for the rest of your life, even if you love it to death?
It's precisely because you eat other things regularly that you continue to love that dish. Most humans need variety and contrast, including in their romantic relationships.
The biggest problem with matchmaking apps is that there is an inherent conflict of interest: "success" means loss of a customer.
So are these apps REALLY trying to create matches? LOL
Dating apps as you point out, creates a market of lemons. https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/people-arent-products-turning-of
My wife and I are actually a Tinder success story - we met there in the very early days of the platform and had no common friends and no work connections. We went out in different bars and clubs and very clearly never would have crossed paths if it wasn’t for Tinder.
BUT
We actually didn’t click romantically right away, but liked each other enough to stay in contact and both dated other people. A year later, we were both single again and met up and this time, the romance was there. So the romance actually happened in a more traditional way, and it didn’t feel like there was as much pressure as with most Tinder dates.
Tinder was crazy. I first used it after a bad breakup and seeing who was on there and getting into flirtatious conversations with them was a great way to get back on my feet. But it takes a lot out of you. I took several breaks, deleting the app from my phone, and those felt very rejuvenating.
My favourite way to meet romantic partners was always house parties - as an intro, you could always talk about who you each knew and how you got invited. And wondering who you were going to meet always raised excitement levels near the end of the week, to go out to whichever party was on that weekend.
Good times!
And I thought I was the only one that was terribly lonely.
I was quite critical on the apps until I tried speedating; issues are fascinatingly similar. Now I think that is less of app’s problem than a society.
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this especially even more so because of all the charts that back the statements.
hey Tomas, love your work! We've been working on a solution, you can see some hints here - https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/saige-says-bigdating-must-die#/
We have a pretty solid prototype we'd like to walkthrough with you, can we talk live?
I can't remember the name of the dating app, but my niece joined one where it wasn't based necessarily on dating for a relationship, it was based on activities. I think it was framed along the lines of would you like to? So you would go and do an activity like a hike or a movie or a museum. And it was based on doing activities that you enjoy and then if people are interested they can do something again!
A new APP called First sight is based on going to public spaces to access who is also there No swiping ! Just decide and get to know people in person like in the old days.
The problem with that is the cold start problem. Because nobody has the app, if you do download it, you won’t match with anybody, and so you will abandon the app. The few that download it will never stay, and the app is dead on arrival.
If you have worked for a dating app you easily understand that at least 50% of this article is complete nonsense
Tell me!
I researched this quite a lot, worked in tech for 15 years, and interviewed a few people who have worked in apps, including founders of apps. But nobody is perfect. Feel free to share what you think is missing!
Well if American society was more humanistic and humanitarian, this problem wouldn't be too intense. Montreal and New York are not that far apart and yet the culture is enormously different.
I believe the issues I outline are true of most places?
Yes, sir, and I greatly admire your work.
In my travels and international experience, I would say that's true, with a particular emphasis on the US, Canada, and England, which I feel have these issues more intensely.